Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2 (2017)

If you were an honest critic who valued his time, you’d give this thing a rating of absolute zero. That’s negative four hundred and fifty nine and two third degrees Fahrenheit, and a fitting scale of measure for how bad it is because it’s the worst film of all time. No, really. It’s the absolute single worst film in the history of film, life and history.

It’s self-congratulatory, it’s desperate to be funny, it’s nihilistic, it’s sadistic, and most of all it’s completely and overwhelmingly boring and pointless. Take a camera and film the desert on a slow Tuesday and you’ll get about a dozen things more interesting than this pile of horseshit.

There are no protagonists and there are no good guys, because the story has evolved around a clueless group of pathetic losers who wish they could become Guardians of the Galaxy yet somehow utterly fail to fulfill their role as such despite their creators giving them this very role.

Yes, those idiots on the poster are supposed to be the goodie two-shoe protagonists, but even if you familiarize yourself with the “convoluted” backstory (don’t) there’s no difference between these clowns and the supposed villains who want to end the universe or otherwise do bad things. Everyone on both sides reacts to childish emotion – usually anger – as their reason for attack, which is no surprise because no one in this story has an ideological inclination worth a damn. When the so-called hero proclaims “you shouldn’t have broke my walkman,” you understand the target audience (8 year olds), but equally you understand the level of intelligence (retarded 8 year olds).

It’s self-congratulatory, because it revels in the “success” of posturing as yet another franchise in the meaningless pantheon of comic book geekdom. Batman (mostly from 1989 and before) has already said everything this “genre” is capable of saying. “The comics are better?” Maybe, maybe not, but when the screen adaptation is this moronic, people who are able to socialize aren’t going to go home with a desire to find out.

It’s nihilistic because, quite simply, it has no beliefs. Intelligent people already knew the Universe was awe-inspiring. We don’t need two-bit screen writers backed by a mega studio to give us their milquetoast, watered-down, mentally-handicapped version. Merely mentioning eternity doesn’t mean you understand it (you cockswallowers).

It’s sadistic because it enjoys violence without context. If you know how to write a story, you know how to depict violence, and all the nuance of moral ambiguity that accompanies it. These idiot filmmakers have no idea what they’re doing, so all that’s left on screen is pure mechanical sadism. If you want moral relativism, that’s fine — it’s an idea already beaten to death, but still fine if you know how to handle it — yet they don’t have the IQ to pull that off. It’s just random violence, “random” being the key word, a thread spun all the way through the spine of this painful drivel.

But, finally, you don’t have to be original to tell a good story. You just need something important to say. Guardians of the Galaxy Mach 2 isn’t having any of that. Michael Bay, one of the dumbest people alive, has more important things to say. Yet still that fails to explain exactly how dumb this movie is. Dumb beyond a reckoning. Beyond a glimmer of hope.